Lord Sugar's speech at Piers Morgan's 50th Birthday

Now I would class Piers as a genuine friend. I say genuine… There are some parts of him that aren’t totally genuine, like his teeth and his hair. He tried to avert the Greek crisis by buying up the worldwide stock of Grecian 2000.

To use a cricket analogy, Piers is 50 not out – although in other circumstances he has almost been caught a couple of times.

We talk virtually every day – admittedly on Twitter where he’s normally saying things along the lines that I look like a yeti that’s been left too long in the hot wash… I of course reciprocate with crowning comeback.

He’s very outspoken on Twitter… He’s like a more-feminine version of Katie Hopkins.

But anyway I know the real Piers Morgan… partly because we’ve known each other for years, but mainly because after doing The Apprentice for ten years I’m a world expert on deluded narcissists.

He’s the sort of man who likes his own tweets.

Now on the Celebrity Apprentice, where I gave him his first break in TV (which he will never admit), I got to tell Piers “You’re fired.” Now how many people have had that pleasure? Actually, come to think of it, it turns out quite a few.

I mean he did get sacked from the Mirror, but then again journalism’s loss turned out to be… TV’s loss too.

His TV work took me by surprise. When I first heard he was going to be on Britain’s Got Talent, I thought, “funny, he can’t dance, he not an acrobat – what’s he going to sing?” only to realise they made him a judge.

All I can say is, on watching his TV success, I’ve concluded he’s definitely got something… presumably pictures of the head of ITV snorting coke in a bondage dungeon.

To be honest I was very surprised that he didn’t go down well in the States. No offence to our American cousins (please excuse me if there are any here tonight), but some of them are loud and obnoxious… And that’s why I thought Piers would fit in perfectly.

In America the critics were divided at first about Piers, but he soon changed that… By the end they all hated him.

He did three seasons of his chat show in America but then he claims he took the decision to quit… I think it was mainly because his studio pass wouldn’t work and CNN stopped paying him.

In fact by the end, his US chat show had less viewers than a Donald Trump sex tape. Even the studio cameramen had their eyes shut so they didn’t have to watch it.

Actually when it came to his sacking by CNN – I haven’t seen anyone pushed out that painfully since the last episode of Call the Midwife.

Now as you all know, Piers’s actual birthday is 30th March, so it’s interesting that he decided to hold this party today – on the 4th July – the day the Americans love to celebrate kicking out the British.

In his claims why he quit CNN he said the Americans didn’t like being told what to think by a posh Englishman… Well Piers – the bleedin’ English don’t like it either!

It was a sad moment, considering his past career, that when he came back from America I was sorry to see that Piers decided to leave journalism… and go and work for the Daily Mail.

He’s now officially the Online Editor. Now what that means in simple terms is he sits around all day in his underpants and dressing-gown at his computer, pretending to gather news and write editorials. When in fact all he’s actually doing is tweeting.

Mind you have to admit he has all the requirements for a journalist… a nose for a story, morals so low he could milk a snake, all complemented by being as reliable as a Greek pension.

As a newspaper editor, he always tried to be on the cutting edge of things… always involved in the latest scoops. He’s had many scoops, and by the looks of his waistline they’re mainly all chocolate and vanilla ones.

Now before you start getting worried Piersy, I’m not going to talk about that Daily Mirror front page picture, because… well… that would just be taking the piss.

But there is no taking it away from him. He’s a trailblazer. Piers was getting punched by Jeremy Clarkson years before it became trendy.

I say ‘Well done Clarkson’ – it’s not easy to chin Piers as there are so many chins to choose from.

Now I can’t make a speech to Piers without mentioning our Twitter wars, but the truth of the matter is: there’s a sort of camaraderie between us – we band together like brothers. For example, if someone sends him an abusive tweet saying he’s not fit to live with pigs, then straight away I will stand up for him and say that he is.

To be fair, Piers is quite broad-shouldered. In fact it doesn’t matter how badly you insult him as long as you spell it correctly.

But he does have a history on Twitter of preaching on things he knows nothing about, such as football. Let’s be honest, his judgement isn’t always great… He’s an Arsenal fan for a start.

Every time his beloved Arsenal lose, it’s “Wenger out” and when they win it’s “Wenger in”. He’s in and out more times than the bleedin’ Hokey Cokey. Even his fellow Arsenal fans say he talks absolute rubbish. On Twitter he’s done a lot to promote harmony in football… His own Arsenal fans boo him as much as the Spurs fans do.

And as for his shrewdness and worldly wisdom …well, I’ll just say this: Piers was recently talking to this lady from Holland, and he happened to tell her that his all-time hero was Dutchman Dennis Bergkamp. He was amazed when this woman told him that she was Bergkamp’s sister! He was gobsmacked and fell for the story hook, line and sinker. It was only later he found out that Bergkamp doesn’t have a sister.

But don’t despair Piers, I recently bumped into a Nigerian chap by the name of Melvin Henry who’s a cousin of Thierry Henry. He knew I knew you so he asked me to pass on a message to you. Melvin said he’s been entrusted by the executors of the estate of a Donald Morgan who died leaving you, Piersy, £20m in an account in Lagos. All you need to do is send Melvin your bank details asap.

Anyway let’s give Piers some credit. He must have some talent… as he’s too ugly to have slept his way to the top. He’s very much a self-made man, bearing in mind no one else wants to take responsibility for it.

So finally, thank you for inviting Ann and me to this celebration of 50 Years Of Piers. I don’t wish to blow any surprises planned for tonight… No no no… it’s not Lord Leveson springing out of a giant cake… “I’m not finished with you yet Piersy.” No, rumour has it that at the end of the evening, Piers will be unveiling a new chin! And if, like me, you’re an admirer of Piers’s teeth, then you’ll be pleased to know they will be exhibited in a glass (on his bedroom table) at the end of the evening.